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Woo-hoo blue shirt woo-hoo!

Fare thee well white shirts of servitude, hello blue shirts of ordering people the FUCK around. Blue suits me a lot better, also.

Any old road, I have no wish to neglect Coastalblog, and have been reprimanded for doing so. So here is a list of my top five favourite garden implements.

THE RAKE
The surly boss of leaves, the stick thin Freddie Krueger of the garden, the rake is the only implement which can also be used for scratching one's back in a pinch, and for that it gets "mad props"

THE SPADE
Hey you! Yeah, you! Diggin' a hole huh? Then you'll be needing one of these! Wave it in the faces of passers by in moments of physical metaphor. Alternatively fight a bloody hand to hand rearguard against the bally Hun. It can do ALL THESE THINGS AND MORE. Word.

THE HOSE
When I was small my Grandfather sat me on his knee and said in kindly tones "Should you ever be required to water a large area, you may require one of these. Furthermore they support a wide range of attachments, making them as versatile as the wily bear" words which have lived with me ever since. Sadly I have only a yard, but it's still good for whipping interlopers in a Tony Mart1n stylee.

THE TROWEL
A controversial choice this, doing as it does the work of a spade only on a smaller scale. But to the nay-sayers I say this "Do you remember Mandy Jordache scrabbling desperately at the ground as her father's corpse lay cooling inside? Do you remember Miss Marple, kneeling at her flowerbed, mulling over vicious crimes? Trowels, people, trowels"

THE MANSERVANT
Having the unreconstructed colonialist attitude that I am I have taken to engaging a large staff, partially from laziness, partly due to a deep seated desire to be called "Massah", preferably in a thick scouse accent. Because it sounds fucking hilarious. Also useful for the making of pink gins, and as an occasional ashtray. Respect.

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