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Breaking Ormskirk News.

BUILD SOME FLATS: What to do? What to do? The cry has reverberated from boardroom to shop floor at the corporate juggernaut that IS West Lancashire District Council. What to do with what, you ask? Why, the creation of a large amount of town centre real estate. Since the bulldozing of the site the questions have flown around like large bats, large bats with cartoon questions marks attached to their heads. Something for the kids, perhaps? The Militant Action Group of the Ormskirk Model Boating Society doubtless favours a large boating lake with 24-hour Duck Sniper on-site. OUr own humble proposal for a sculputre park featuring Ormskirk's more Goombah works of public Art (The Sword in the Anvil, anyone? EIGHT FUCKING METRES TALL BRONZE GLOWING SEED-PODS anyone?) has fallen on deaf ears. The Question has been put to the public and the public have responded bafflingly by being largely in favour of a development of luxury flats. Rumours that this bizarre decision on the part of the public having something to do with fat men carrying ADIDAS SPORTS BAGS FULL OF CASH in the general direction of the planning office are MALICIOUS, UNTRUE AND AN ABSOLUTE LIE.

GET TO FUCK ICELAND: Purveyors of Doner-in-a-bag and favourites of Marmoset-featured alcoholic ex-girlband members everywhere Iceland were collectively ashen-faced recently as they announced the imminent wiping away of their stain on the town centre by this is not just a supermarket Marks and Spencer. Mr J. Parker (27) of Ormskirk has not stopped dancing since.

TURTLES WIN AGAIN, TEAM JESUS "WORSE THAN HITLER": An upset result in the Albert's pub quiz last Thursday, as thrusting young upstarts Team Jesus failed to overcome a bad start and slid to an almost unprecedented last place (almost unprecedented in that it also happened a couple of weeks back, ahem). Most opprobrium fell upon the shoulders of young centre forward Robin Van PersieMacKenzie (20something or other)missing the identity of the King born on Skull Island despite having gone to see the film the week before, the tit. Rumours that midfield dynamo Lesley "Lesley" Kenny is to be sold to league leaders The Turtles to help pay off mounting cigar debts are unconfirmed at time of going to press.

ALEJANDRO HOBBY-WATCH: Actual Spaniard Alex MacKenzie has this week announced his intention to take on Richard Branson's Virgin empire by starting his own credit card company. The initial run of cards will be limited to how much pastic he can get by melting down his wakeboard.

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