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Ormskirk: tales from the frontline.

We appear to be in the grip of something of a crimewave as currently stands, and none are safe in their beds. Evidence.

The town crier's tricorn hat (which apparently costs eighty quid! Who knew?) was stolen by "youths". Cue advertiser headline "Cruel Gang Steal Don's Hat".

ACTUAL HOME INVASION thwarted by PISSED UP PUB REGULARS who proceeded to enact THE RETRIBUTION OF THE MAN IN THE STREET. Kapow!

Most entertainingly two young men attempted an hilarious breakout from the magistrates court by assaulting an elderly clerk, busting his ribs with a MUG OF TEA and doing one up the ROAD before being caught by a doughty local bobby hurrah. Needless to say they were sixteen. Anyone older than that may have thought to themselves "hmm, oh well, magistrates court, it's not a capital offence" as opposed to "hey! If we break out of here it'll be like that programmme, Prison Break! We might get to sleep with Holly Valance! It's not like the police will just go to our mum's houses, have a cup of tea and wait for us to turn up! And even if they do, they won't mind! We could go on the run for some reason! No one will ever find us in the places we usually are!"

As I type this, I tremble.

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