Exciting times at Westminster, as the current crop of people who we, for form's sake, must loosely term the cabinet have been wheeled out to spectacularly poor effect to defend the actions of Kooky Misfit Genius Dom Cummings.
A quick recap, fore those who have been doing something constructive with their day. The story broke this morning that the PM's chief adviser and third place winner at Butlin's Minehead Skeletor Lookylikey 1997, Dominic Cummings had, in contravention of all Gov guidelines, done a bunk to his parents on the off-chance he and his wife had coronavirus (they did, as it turns out, but that's not really the point).
This, it doesn't need spelling out, was pretty terrible news for HMG. During a time when the PM was saying "If you're thinking of visiting your Mother this Mother's Day - don't" DC was doing precisely that. At a time when people were not even allowed to say goodbye to their dying relatives, the DomMeister was pootling off to his folks to get a hand with the childcare. The crisis which had already claimed the resignations of the chief medical officer of Scotland, and one of the SAGE committees leading lights seemed set for the hat-trick.
But wait, we hadn't banked on the sheer level of brass neck of the Johnson administration. Astonishingly, amazingly, they went on the offensive, and a nation watched in wonder as what it had been told for the last nine weeks changed before its very eyes.
Minster after minister was wheeled out, and they all said pretty much the same thing. The tone changed, depending on their particular level of peevishness, but it was all broadly the same.
Dominic Raab, perhaps mindful that he may be next in line for the top job went for measured with a touch of aggrieved politicking:
It’s reasonable and fair to ask for an explanation on this. And it has been provided: two parents with Coronavirus, were anxiously taking care of their young child. Those now seeking to politicise it should take a long hard look in the mirror.
Gove, on the other hand, had clearly just snorted a ton of beak when he belligerently weighed in with:
Caring for your wife and child is not a crime
Where the big boys lead, little Matty Hancock inevitably follows, so it was unsurprising that everybody's favourite dignity hunter chirruped up with:
I know how ill coronavirus makes you. It was entirely right for Dom Cummings to find childcare for his toddler, when both he and his wife were getting ill.
Remind me what it was you said when Prof Ferguson got caught out, Matt?
I back the police here...I think he took the right decision to resign.
Just checking. And a four year old isn't a toddler, btw.
Priti Patel simply re-tweeted Dominic Raab, so presumably she hadn't been invited to the same script-edit as the rest of the boys. Lesser lights started wading in, including Suella Braverman, surely the first time I've seen an Attorney General advocating breaking the law.
The point is that it was a remarkably consistent line. They all focused on family, on childcare. On how he was, not to put too fine a point on it, a hero, dammit.
Except, except, except that this happened at a time when we were being told in no uncertain terms that if you were showing symptoms DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. And nor could anyone else. That what Cummings did was in direct contravention of Govt advice is made more explicit by the mystifying crock of bullshit that his wife wrote for the Spectator describing their quarantining at home in London. They knew it was wrong, they did it anyway. The childcare caveat wasn't in place at the time, it was very clear that leaving the house was forbidden. And even if it were, if you're well enough to drive 250 miles in an enclosed space with a high viral load, you're well enough to stay home and do a spot of parenting.
Things got even weirder after Grant Shapps' appearance at the daily briefing, when he appeared to suggest that these guidelines had been a choice for the individual all along. That's right. You heard. It's always been a matter of personal choice. So Dom had done nothing wrong.
Tell that to the people who couldn't hold the hand of their dying mother. Tell that to the people who were arrested and fined.
The word Orwellian gets bandied about a bit too much these days, but this rewriting of history on the fly was pretty breath-taking stuff, even by this Government that's turned denial into an art-form. Eurasia had always been at war with Oceania. With this assertion, Shapps was gaslighting an entire country. I know you've not been to see your dad. Well done. But if it had been important you could have done, you know, we never said you couldn't.
This is a peculiarly Trumpian tactic which, in these days of 24hr news cycles, is often a winner. Tough it out, don't say sorry, it'll pass. Or simply say it didn't happen. Fake news. Original attempts to spin this story actually referred to it as "fake news from the Guardian", that bit's been quietly dropped. It's also reminiscent of the way that Putin routinely and brazenly flouts democratic norms to dishearten opponents. Look, I'm doing this, and there's nothing you can do about it. The irony is, it was the wrong play this time.
Imagine that Number 10 came out and said yep, he made a mistake, he's human, he was scared. We all make mistakes. Cummings offers his resignation. Johnson refuses to accept it, gives a little speech about contrition and forgiveness. Everyone moves on. It'd be over by tomorrow lunchtime. This way, however, it's set to turn into an almighty scrap. Because whatever any government representative tries to say different, Dominic Cummings broke the rules.
Maybe this is a stress test of the new way of operating in Downing St, the natural extension of Gove's obfuscation in interviews, and refusing to send Ministers onto the Today programme. This is a Government which shies away from scrutiny like none ever has before. But this is a new order of evasion, this is occluding the memory of an entire population. This is gaslighting, and as anyone familiar with the term will tell you, it's abuse.
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