A Lidl Etiquette

I am, despite the intemperate nature of a lot of these posts, a fairly live and let live sort of a bloke/chap (haven't quite decided the register of this yet so I'll delete later, or not, it's not like it matters, you get the gist). While I undoubtedly have a spectacular array of personal grievances/hobbyhorses/probably untenable opinions, I am, at least, self-aware enough to realise that most of them don't bear public scrutiny. Also, as a general rule, I don't care.

But we're among friends here, right? it's a safe-ish space?

Okay because, and I don't want to assault anyone here, I need to talk about Lidl/Aldi Etiquette. 

When the German discounters came to our shores twenty odd years ago, they were, at first, ignored. That peculiar English snobbery which is terrified of seeming in any way different to one's peers, coupled with good old fashioned inertia meant that everyone kept stopping at Tesco's and Sainsbury's, despite them being, by any metric you care to name, awful. 

This was fine by me.

I was pretty broke at the time, and was an enthusiastic early adopter of Aldi. Mostly because it was so insanely cheap, partly because to my mind the quality was actually superior to most UK supermarkets, but in no small part due to generally having the shop to myself while Morrison's over the road seethed with people. 

When, many years later, Lidl opened I was, likewise, a fan. By this point I was less impecunious, but I'd got into the habit of going to the discounters by now, the thought if having to go to a giant Tesco or Asda would fill me with dread (though I do have a deep and abiding live of Booths, the main reason I can never leave the North). A few more folk had cottoned on to the joys by this point, but it was still pretty quiet. 

Sadly, all good things pass, and I regret to say that, of late, the somewhat gloomy economy has forced the hand of a a large swathe of the population who previously wouldn't have been seen dead in one to give the Germans a try. There are a lot more Range Rovers (a sure sign of dreadful taste and a live laugh love poster somewhere on the wall at home) in the car park, a lot more people in gilets staring mystified at the middle aisle.

And these people simply have no idea how to behave.

The chap in front of me yesterday embodied the three biggest crimes against Lidl queue etiquette. The whole point of the discounters as that things keep moving, it's good form, if you're still unloading and the person behind you has only a couple of bits, to let them go ahead. A stationary cashier, smiling politely and waiting for you to get yet another bottle of Pinot Grigio out of your trolley when they could be moving it along, is anathema to the whole ethos of the place. This bloke had not got the memo.

I shook my head pityingly, the cashier and I exchanged glances, she knew.

Secondly, do not, for the love of God, try to pack at the till unless you really, really, know what you're doing, because when they ask for the money, you'd better be ready to clear out for the next one coming through. You can make a start by all means, but don't leave a load of stuff rolling around when they finish scanning. I, an experienced hand will have bags ready and open, but if I fall behind I accept my lot and simply sling stuff in the trolley and go and pack at leisure at the shelf. People who carry on packing after the cashier's done are the worst sort of entitled arseholes  You're literally holding everybody else up, yes, you, you are the discord here, the grit in the cog, you're ruining it for everyone. 

Thirdly, and maybe most egregiously, if you've already tried the patience of the queue (who, you'd best believe, have moved through indulgence and are now very much in silently judging you territory), when they ask you for the money be ready to pay. Paying on your phone? Have the app up  Paying on card? Have the card out. Paying with cash? We'd best be seeing a note already in your hand, pal. 

What you most certainly do not do is start patting your pockets frantically with one hand (who doesn't already know where their wallet is? How have you been allowed to leave the house?) while trying to pack your last few bits with the other.

I like to think of the discounters as a quasi-socialist enterprise (I am aware that they are in no way any such thing) in that they stay cheap because we do our bit to keep things moving, it's the customers that make it work. So this influx of the middle classes, raised as they were in a bubble of self-interest (I wasn't entirely joking about The Range Rovers before, buying one is an intrinsically selfish act, they take up too much room, they're terrible for the planet, you can't see children over the bonnet and 4x4s in general - unless you actively need one for work, are basically a sign that the owner prizes their own convenience above anything else) is very much ruining the vibe.